Remember that Cindy Lauper song, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun?" Your kids - from preschool to teenagers - just want to have fun. Work just isn't on the minds of most kids, big or small. As adults, you and I know that work has to get done, and we know when it has to be done. Kids, not so much.
I can't count the number of times over the years when I'd tell one or both of my boys to do something, and they'd act like I wasn't even there. Before I learned this one simple tip, I'd talk and talk, threaten, cajole, sometimes even try bribery, just to get them to acknowledge my request and get their little butts in motion. I was the parent, after all. My word was law and I should be respected and obeyed, right?
Yes, of course. But I discovered, through trial and error, and some research, that there was a problem with my approach. Think of it this way: imagine that you're a light bulb on a dimmer switch, or a lamp that has several brightness settings that are clearly visible to your kids.
When you first start out with your request for your children, you're on the "low" setting. You're relatively calm, and the "low" setting indicates to your children that there's still plenty of time before you get to "high" and go ballistic. And, thus, they're free to "tune you out.
"In other words, your kids have learned -- thanks to your behaviour and your parenting approach -- that they can ignore your requests, and you'll continue to make pleas, threats, etc., until you're blue in the face. You're predictable, but not in a good way that produces the results you're looking for. In other words, the consequences of your children's lack of attentiveness and/or obedience are not predictable.
What needs to change? First, you do need to be predictable, but in a way that your children will see repeated over and over again. That's consistency. There's nothing wrong with the light bulb-dimmer switch analogy or approach. You simply have to implement it a little differently:
Low: you make the request calmly, being as specific as possible so there's no misunderstanding of what you're saying to them. For example, asking a question ("Joey, can you take out the garbage?") may seem specific as far as the task, but you're essentially leaving the request open to your child's interpretation and decision-making. Not necessarily bad for older children, once you've established positive behaviours. But, especially for younger children, try saying something specific and direct like this instead: "Joey, please take out the trash before dinner.
"Medium: If your child does not respond or continues to tune you out, this is a crucial fork in the road. This is where you "turn up the intensity of the light." Try saying just once: "If you don't do what I asked, there will be a consequence."Over the years, I've found that shouting or threatening is not the right approach. They still just tuned me out. Instead, I like to (still calmly) approach my boys, get up close so we're making eye contact face-to-face, and simply let them know that this is how this household (and life) works. Doing something you're not supposed to do, or not doing something you've been asked by a person in authority do, has consequences.
Again, remember that you don't stay in this stage, repeating, asking, begging, or threatening. While being reasonable, this is where you show your children a calm predictability again and again. And, when you see the desired results, then be sure to praise the proper behaviour. If not, then you move on to "high intensity.
"High: In this "high intensity" stage, you've reached the consequence, or punishment phase, since the request has been ignored. Again, there's likely to be drama on the part of your children when they discover the punishment, the consequence they've invoked. For younger children, this could be a "timeout" away from toys or TV. For older children, it could be loss of privileges, allowance, use of the car, etc.
Here, you'll probably want to keep it short and simple, without hysterics or punishment that doesn't "fit the crime." But, do try to be both consistent and predictable, and keep following this approach. You won't change all your kids' behaviours over night, but by being calm, consistent and predictable, you're on your way to less stress, less drama, and more compliant children.
By: Gareth Williams
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